28:07
How To Be More Assertive
Newel of Knowledge
Overview
This video provides a comprehensive guide on how to become more assertive, emphasizing that assertiveness is about open, honest communication that respects both your own needs and the needs of others, without resorting to aggression or passivity. It explains the importance of assertiveness for maintaining healthy relationships and self-esteem, and introduces the "three-part assertion message" as a key tool. The guide also details how to handle defensiveness from others and offers strategies for immediate assertive responses and for saying "no" effectively.
How was this?
Save this permanently with flashcards, quizzes, and AI chat
Chapters
- Assertiveness is using verbal and non-verbal behaviors to maintain respect, satisfy needs, and defend rights without dominating or harming others.
- It is distinct from aggressiveness, which disregards others' needs, and submissiveness, which disregards one's own needs.
- Assertiveness is crucial for protecting personal boundaries (psychological, physical, values) from those who might overstep them.
- Having 'life space' – owning one's thoughts, values, desires, and physical space – is essential for self-confidence and purpose, and assertiveness helps maintain it.
Understanding what assertiveness is and why it's necessary provides the foundational motivation to learn and apply the techniques that follow, highlighting its role in personal well-being and relationship health.
Examples of boundary crossing include loud music on public transport, unwarranted advice, or attempts to submerge one's identity in another's.
- Submissiveness (non-assertion) involves not voicing needs, avoiding conflict, and communicating 'I don't matter, you can take advantage of me.'
- Aggressiveness involves expressing needs at the expense of others, often stemming from insecurity, and communicating 'What I want is all that matters.'
- Both submissiveness and aggressiveness can lead to negative outcomes like resentment or escalating conflict.
- Individuals may exhibit different behaviors on the submissive-assertive-aggressive continuum depending on the relationship and context.
Recognizing where you fall on this continuum helps identify unhealthy patterns and provides a baseline for understanding the shift towards a balanced, assertive approach.
A submissive person might say 'whatever you want' after stating their preference, while an aggressive person might demand 'I want this now, and your needs don't matter.'
- The core technique is the 'three-part assertion message': When you [describe behavior], I feel [state emotion] because [explain concrete effect].
- This message focuses on objective descriptions of behavior, not attitudes or motivations, to avoid judgment and defensiveness.
- The message should be brief, clear, and focus on the specific behavior that is problematic.
- It's important to assert about the right things, even small issues, as unmet needs can build resentment.
This structured communication tool provides a clear, non-confrontational way to express your feelings and the impact of others' actions, increasing the likelihood of a positive resolution.
Instead of 'You're always late,' use 'When you arrive 30 minutes after our scheduled meeting time, I feel frustrated because I've wasted my time waiting.'
- Describe behavior clearly and factually, avoiding judgmental language, absolutes, or character attacks.
- Maintain appropriate body language: upright posture, steady eye contact, matching facial expressions, and open gestures.
- Use a calm, firm voice, ensuring sufficient breath support, and end sentences with a downward inflection.
- Practice the message beforehand, potentially in front of a mirror or a trusted person, to ensure clarity and confidence.
Effective delivery significantly impacts how the message is received; mastering these non-verbal and vocal cues ensures your assertive message is taken seriously and understood as intended.
Good example: 'When you interrupt me before I finish speaking...' Bad example: 'When you have constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth...'
- Expect defensiveness from the other person as a natural reaction to having their behavior pointed out.
- Employ 'tactical empathy' to discharge emotion and understand the other person's perspective without judgment.
- Use reflective listening: attentively listen to their response and reflect back what you hear to ensure understanding.
- Be prepared to reassert your message and recycle the process (steps 2-4) multiple times, as change often requires persistence.
Understanding and managing defensiveness is critical for moving past initial resistance and working towards a mutually agreeable solution, rather than escalating conflict.
If someone responds defensively to 'When you leave dishes in the sink, I feel annoyed because it creates extra work for me,' you might reflect by saying, 'So, you feel I'm being unfair by asking you to do them right away?'
- Focus on solutions: encourage the other person to propose solutions that meet your needs.
- Recycle the assertion process (steps 2-4) as needed, and don't engage in debates; use reflections instead.
- Handle manipulation tactics like crying or withdrawal by remaining firm and reflecting their emotions or silence.
- For immediate situations, use a quicker method: Stop the action, stay calm, accept the feeling, and suggest alternatives.
These advanced strategies equip you to handle complex interactions, persistent issues, and urgent situations, ensuring assertiveness becomes a practical skill in various life scenarios.
For an immediate situation: A parent sees a child hitting another and says, 'Stop hitting your brother. I see you're angry, but hitting is not okay. You can pound this pillow instead.'
- Saying 'no' is a fundamental aspect of assertiveness and boundary setting.
- Various ways to say no exist, including a direct 'no,' using reflective listening before declining, offering a 'rain check,' or using the 'broken record' technique.
- The 'flat out no' is also an option, providing no justification.
- Asserting 'no' effectively protects your time, energy, and boundaries.
Learning to decline requests assertively is essential for managing your commitments, preventing overextension, and maintaining control over your personal space and time.
Instead of a weak excuse, use: 'I'd love to help with the barbecue, but I've already made prior plans, so I can't make it this weekend.'
Key takeaways
- Assertiveness is a skill that balances self-respect with respect for others, crucial for healthy relationships and personal well-being.
- Understanding the difference between submissiveness, assertiveness, and aggressiveness is key to identifying and changing personal communication patterns.
- The three-part assertion message ('When you... I feel... because...') is a powerful, non-judgmental tool for expressing needs and concerns.
- Effective delivery of an assertive message involves clear, factual descriptions and congruent body language and vocal tone.
- Anticipating and managing defensiveness through reflective listening and persistence is vital for successful assertive communication.
- Assertiveness requires practice and persistence; don't be discouraged by initial resistance or the need to repeat the assertive message.
- Learning to say 'no' assertively is as important as expressing your needs, protecting your boundaries and preventing burnout.
Key terms
AssertivenessAggressivenessSubmissiveness (Non-assertion)Life SpaceThree-Part Assertion MessageBehavioral DescriptionEmotional DisclosureConcrete EffectDefensivenessTactical EmpathyReflective ListeningBroken Record Technique
Test your understanding
- What are the core components of the three-part assertion message, and why is each component important?
- How does assertiveness differ from aggressiveness and submissiveness, and what are the potential consequences of each?
- What strategies can you use to manage defensiveness when someone receives your assertive message?
- Why is it important to describe behavior objectively rather than making judgments when delivering an assertive message?
- How can practicing assertiveness, including saying 'no,' contribute to better self-esteem and healthier relationships?