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RED FLAGS ON A DATE. What to Look For in a Husband or Wife | Rabbi Israel Yakobov
Rabbi Israel Yakobov
Overview
This video offers guidance on identifying red flags and positive signs during dating, drawing from Torah and Kabbalistic teachings. Rabbi Israel Yakobov emphasizes that finding a life partner is a significant mitzvah (good deed) and a way to connect with God. The advice covers what to look for in a potential spouse, focusing on character traits, spiritual compatibility, lifestyle alignment, and the importance of genuine connection over superficial factors like wealth. The rabbi also shares spiritual practices (segulot) to aid in finding a soulmate.
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Chapters
- Matchmaking, or connecting people, is a divine act that mirrors God's work after creation.
- Engaging in matchmaking and seeking a spouse is a way to emulate God and connect with Him.
- The speaker prioritizes teaching singles and young couples, viewing it as a crucial mission to spread divine direction.
- Finding a soulmate is presented as a primary goal, and this class aims to provide tools to navigate the dating process effectively.
Understanding matchmaking as a divine endeavor highlights its importance and encourages a more purposeful approach to finding a life partner.
God creating matches not only between husband and wife but also by connecting someone's good intention with another's action to fulfill a mitzvah.
- For more religious individuals, observing how a person prays and recites blessings is a key indicator of their spiritual seriousness.
- A lack of intention or rushing through blessings suggests a less profound spiritual connection.
- Developing 'kavanah' (intention) in blessings and prayer can lead to receiving the Holy Spirit and deeper spiritual insight.
- A man's primary role is to be a giver, reflecting God's nature; stinginess is a significant red flag.
These points provide practical ways to assess a potential partner's spiritual depth and core character, which are foundational for a lasting relationship.
Observing if someone quickly recites a blessing over water without focus, or if they pray while distracted, indicates a potential lack of spiritual depth.
- Men are designed to be givers, providers, and to make their partners happy, symbolized by giving a ring.
- A man who is stingy or unwilling to give is a red flag, as it contradicts his core role and God's nature.
- Women should look for a man who is generous and demonstrates a giving nature, even in small gestures.
- A crucial trait for women is having a 'good eye' – the ability to see the positive in situations and people, fostering calmness.
Focusing on these specific character traits helps individuals identify foundational qualities necessary for a harmonious and supportive partnership.
A man who avoids paying for a slightly longer taxi ride to save money, if it's a pattern, might indicate stinginess, whereas a man who readily buys you food even if you initially decline shows generosity.
- Seeking a partner from a similar background (e.g., cultural, religious) can lead to a more harmonious lifestyle.
- Significant differences in lifestyle, such as how a family expresses itself (loud vs. quiet), can create friction.
- The first date (ID) is for understanding each other's family relationships; a good connection with parents indicates family orientation.
- Shared goals and a similar approach to life are crucial for long-term compatibility.
Understanding lifestyle and background compatibility helps avoid potential conflicts and builds a foundation for shared life experiences.
One family might live in a loud, boisterous environment, while another prefers quiet and order, like a library; marrying someone from a vastly different lifestyle background can be challenging.
- The third date is crucial for assessing the ability to simply enjoy talking and connecting with each other.
- A comfortable, easy flow of conversation, like that of an old couple, indicates a strong connection.
- Marrying solely for money or wealth is strongly discouraged, as it undermines belief in divine providence and leads to negative outcomes.
- Women often possess a stronger intuition; if a woman feels a strong connection, it's a significant sign of a good match.
This chapter emphasizes that true connection and shared enjoyment in conversation are more vital for marital success than superficial factors like wealth.
If you can talk for hours with someone and enjoy the conversation, even about random things, it signifies a deep connection that is essential for a lasting marriage.
- Avoid taking on 'projects' by marrying someone significantly below your spiritual level; aim for compatibility.
- Promises of future change (e.g., 'I will keep Shabbat') are unreliable; look for present commitment and action.
- Accept your partner as they are before marriage; the goal is not to change them, but to find someone you can live with as they are.
- If a character trait is difficult but manageable, it can be accepted; if it's a deal-breaker, it's a reason to move on.
This section provides practical advice on how to handle differences and maintain spiritual alignment without attempting to fundamentally change a partner.
If you are religious and seek a kosher home and Shabbat observance, do not marry someone who does not currently observe these practices, even if they promise to start after marriage, unless they are actively demonstrating change beforehand.
- Delayed marriage can have kabbalistic reasons related to past lives, but one can also inadvertently cause delays through poor choices.
- Spiritual practices, or 'segulot,' can help open one's 'mazal' (luck) to find a soulmate.
- For men, blessing the new moon, attending specific Torah readings, and learning Torah are suggested.
- For women, accepting the commitment to host guests with a dedicated bed and lighting a candle for Rabbi Matya Benash for 40 days are recommended.
This chapter offers spiritual and practical 'segulot' as methods to actively seek and attract a soulmate, encouraging proactive engagement in the process.
A man can be advised to bless the new moon each month with happiness, as the moon symbolizes the wife, and this act is believed to hasten the arrival of his soulmate.
Key takeaways
- Matchmaking is a divine process, and actively seeking a spouse is a way to connect with God.
- Observe a person's prayer and blessings for indicators of their spiritual sincerity.
- A man's character as a giver and a woman's 'good eye' (positive perspective) are crucial qualities for a healthy marriage.
- Lifestyle and background compatibility are important for long-term harmony, though not the sole determinant.
- Genuine connection and enjoyable conversation are more vital than wealth or superficial traits.
- Accept your partner as they are before marriage; do not rely on promises of future change.
- Spiritual practices and focused intention can be powerful tools in attracting your soulmate.
Key terms
MitzvahHashemMatchmakingKavanahGiverGood EyeLifestyleBackgroundConnectionSegulotMazalSoulmate
Test your understanding
- How does the speaker explain the connection between matchmaking and emulating God?
- What specific actions or observations can help assess a person's spiritual sincerity on a date?
- Why is a man's 'giving' nature considered a critical trait, and what is the parallel trait for women?
- What are the potential challenges of marrying someone with a significantly different lifestyle or background?
- According to the speaker, why should wealth not be a primary criterion when choosing a spouse?
- What is the speaker's advice regarding accepting a partner's character traits before marriage?
- What are some of the 'segulot' (spiritual practices) mentioned to help find a soulmate?